The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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