am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
