This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
