I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
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WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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