since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
