I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
