Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
