A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
