Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
