when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
