just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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