dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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