this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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