Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
