Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
