M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
