I puked a lego.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
