Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
