the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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