did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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