the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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