Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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