He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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