You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
