mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
