Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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