Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dicks are not precious.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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