I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
