Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
