you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
