How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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