I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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