I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
