I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
