my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
