I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There's always time for handjobs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
