a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
