Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
