So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
