did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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