Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
