Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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