I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
