like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
