Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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