The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
