i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
