you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
