so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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