I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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