I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
