I hate your face
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
All the doctor said was why
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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